Dating Is Tough in 2020
Photo by www.instagram.com/catanacomics
I met Chad* (changed name) not even a full week after downloading the app Hinge on my phone. Mind you, this is the third time I downloaded the app because the previous two times, I couldn’t stop swiping through all the disappointed faces of potential bachelors and bachelorettes that I just deleted the app within the first 12 hours after downloading. The thought of awkward first encounters, trying to keep the conversation entertaining enough that I don’t rip off all the skin around my fingers nails by the time the appetizers arrive and dealing with that god awful moment when I don’t know whether or not I should reach for my wallet and offer to pay or just… let my date pay. But not only do I dread the idea of going on an irl date but I absolutely DESPISE god awful pick up lines people use on these dating apps to get my attention. They make me want to puke in my mouth and all over my phone. I just… can’t stand the cheese man. I really can’t. It makes me feel like a person is screaming at me, “Please notice me! I’m smart, I’m witty and I really hope that you like this stupid ass comment that I’m making because nobody else seems to like it but I really hope that you do.” Look I get that we are all lonely on these sites and want a little sexual healing and someone to accompany us on our normal lonesome food dates we have with ourselves but god damn, how can we get straight to the good stuff and past all the bull shit? And at what point does one decide, “All right I think it’s time now that I can meet this complete stranger in real life and hang out with them for more than 20 minutes in a close proximity that could possibly endanger the future generations of my bloodline?” Three days. Three days is enough conversation for me to decide that it’s the right time to meet somebody after matching with their stranger ass online.
Chad and I went to a quaint little sushi restaurant in Downtown, Los Angeles and on the way to my date, I bumped the song “B*TCH FROM DA SOUF” by Mulatto and Saweetie to set me in the right mood of “I’m a confident ass bitch and I don’t really need no mans but if he real sweet and cute I might hit it.” (Here’s a hyperlink to the song just incase any of you ladies need that kind of confidence in your life too) I parked my car in the valet garage and sat in my car for at least 5-10 minutes because I hate the thought of being late and being viewed as less of a decent human being for not respecting some one else’s time. I used those extra minutes wisely to gather my thoughts, calm my nerves, check my teeth and finish singing my song “CAUSE I’M A REAL ASS, TRILL ASS, BITCH FROM THE WEST.” A couple minutes remained from the allotted time my date and I agreed upon meeting and I decided it was time to meet him. I approached the restaurant doors and the thought of, “Holy shit I hope I don’t get catfished” crossed my mind and then I saw him, Chad, my first irl online date. He was handsome, tall, hipster as fuck with his wide legged jeans paired with black low top Doc Marten’s and incredibly soft eyes behind a pair of Harry Potteresque round eye glasses. I immediately felt at ease that I wasn’t being catfished and I wasn’t getting murdered by a serial killer.
The date went.. fairly well. I struggled trying to keep the conversation going. Either 1. We both were shy and awkward 2. We both suck at human interactions or 3. I’m on a path of sobriety so no alcoholic beverages were to my avail to help loosen me up. I did my best to keep the conversation entertaining and engaging enough so my date and I wouldn’t stumble upon awkward silences but OH, did they happen! At one point I asked my date, “So… Do you workout?” like a fucking Cali Surfer bro, I internally face palmed myself so hard because who the fuck asks their date, DO YOU WORK OUT?! Ugh. I appreciate his kind heart for laughing and going along with my question, “Ya, I work out dude. I pump some iron.” while actually reenacting bicep curls. I wasn’t sure if this was true love or whether my date was just mimicking my behavior to make me feel more comfortable. Psychologists have actually studied that when two people interact they often mirror each other to connect and put one another at ease. So when one person puts a hand on their face, the other person subconsciously will touch their face as well.
Anyways we exchanged quite a few laughs, experienced awkward silences together, enjoyed fire ass sushi and I got to enjoy the company of another human being. A cute one at that. But by the time our last food item had been consumed, neither one of us suggested dessert or anything else to further our time spent together so we could possibly end up having a hot and steamy make out sesh. Because HELLO, isn’t that what we all sort of… kind of want to happen? I haven’t been on many dates in my life even though I’m 28 years old… Guys haven’t taken me out on nice romantic candle lit dinners because I spent most of my life pounding bottles of Jameson, Hennessy and Tequila whilst snorting lines of Cocaine off my iPhone screen in public and private places. What kind of sane guy would ask a girl out like that? So I guess you could say I’m “new” to this whole… dating thing, let alone online dating. I don’t even know how to properly interact with a person without thinking “Am I staring at their eyes too long? Oh shit, I’m staring too long. Quick look away for a second. Oh fuck. What did they just say?” Because before when I’d hang out with guys I was into I didn’t have to think about all this shit. I was too busy pouring myself shots that I didn’t have to stare at anybody’s face if I didn’t want too. Anyways my date kindly paid for the bill and we walked outside and stared at each other for a moment to which I then opened my arms and blurted out, “WELL. Uh I don’t really know what to do from here? But SICK DATE.” and pointed at him with finger guns… And again his kind soul laughed and told me if I was ever in his side of town and wanted to grab some coffee I could hit him up. We hugged and said our goodbyes and as I walked inside my car, I realized that we weren’t going on a second date because who offers COFFEE as a second date. But then again, who acts like a 22 year old frat bro on a first date… nobody, just me.
It’s been a few weeks since my date with Chad, and I haven’t hit him up for coffee and he hasn’t hit me up either, so I guess it’s safe to say now that he wasn’t into my jokes and we won’t be boning anytime soon. Bummer. Cause he was really actually quite cute.
